Yes, I've been tested lately. I've always heard that you will be tested in your weak spots. I'm finding a lot of truth to that statement. My test came in unrecognized. I felt it as an inconvenience, an annoyance, a total disruption to my life. Then I saw it so clearly as it slapped me in the face and in a voice I recognized so well said, "So, let us see what you are really made of and if you really will practice what you preach." It had knocked me down a bit even though I had denied it. As I sat on my couch for days staring at the walls in silence I realized how struck I was by this test. Here it is again. This same f**cking test. Days before one of my precious friends had shared with me that some others had shared with her that they would not trust me as a health coach because I am a "bigger person." I am and have been for a long time a size 12-14. I love my friend for sharing this with me. For being loving and kind enough to openly and honestly speak to me. I thought I was okay with the information; that I could listen to the message and still carry on as usual. It was a lie. I wasn't okay. It knocked me down a few notches and turned the dirt over on some long buried stuff. The first thoughts that ran through my head was that I have to change. I have to change my body. Maybe I need to change my hair, even my clothes. I sat devising a plan of action and how I would totally transform myself so that I could fit in to the societal margins of what is accepted in our society. I would transform myself to "look like a health coach". Ready, set, GO!.......Then, WHOA! Wait just one damn minute here. I've been here before. I've been tested in this spot before many times. This time though, I knew l would win. The times before this demon has won. It has beat me down and left me in total shame and hate for myself. It has left me feeling helpless and hopeless, crying myself to sleep many nights because I deemed myself not enough. It has shamed me in front of the mirror when I would look at my body and see this round belly that carried my children, these short legs (thanks Dad) and short stature. It has labeled me as inadequate, unworthy, undesirable and unlovable. Not this time. No, this time I will take command. This time I will win and claim this a battle victory, not just for me, but for every single person on this planet that has ever or will ever feel these painful feelings. The truth is that I am not changing my body, my hair, my personality, my clothes or anything else about me for anyone but ME! I started this journey to be a health coach for one reason, to help people be healthy and happy in the skin they are in. I preach this day and night and probably in my sleep. I will not stop this crusade I am on. Not for anyone. My grandest truth on this day is that I love myself totally and completely, round belly, short legs and short body. This body is MINE. It does not belong to another person nor will it ever. I completely embrace all of me inside and out. I love the person I am. I will not change for anyone. I've tried that and it does not work. I'm not giving my power to anyone. It's all mine.
This crusade of mine to shine the light for others to feel safe and comfortable with themselves will never end. I feel so strongly that something needs to be done in our society to change these restrictive margins that have been set upon us. There is a tiny window of acceptance which is totally unacceptable to me. Everyday I see the effects these margins are having on us. We drink to drown out the voices and pop pills to numb our feelings, we cut our skin to try and release the pain, we starve our bodies and force feed our bodies in order to stop the madness that has crept into our minds. I've sat across from young girls who weigh barely 80 pounds and listened to them tell me they are fat. I've seen countless scars on wrists and arms from cutting to escape the pressure and pain. The price we are paying to fit into these ridiculous margins is costing us countless lives. I will not stop my crusade of self-love and acceptance. Too many lives depend on my message.
The truth is, if I were a size 0 and weighed 90 pounds, I would STILL be the same person. I may look different, but it will not change WHO I am. I will not change the wisdom and knowledge that I have worked so hard and tirelessly to learn, it will not change my heart that really does love and accept EVERYONE and it will not change my hippie, earth-loving, nature living soul. Nope. I will still be the same exact person.
So I stand on top of this demon, sword lifted in total victory. I will not change for anyone. I am me. I love who I am. The only thing that this test did for me was to give me a stronger voice and a more powerful stance for my message. Love who you are now. You are enough. Love and accept yourself just as you are.
Be healthy, Be happy and Be human.
I love myself and I love you.
Coach Debbie Fisher
Encompassing Life, LLC.
www.encompassinglife.com
804.577.0152
